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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27599996">he hates, he loves</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/poe_daaaayyuuuumron8/pseuds/poe_daaaayyuuuumron8'>poe_daaaayyuuuumron8</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Cigarettes, Everybody Lives, F/M, Legal Rexsoka, Not Everybody, Rex is a Mess, Smoking, Well - Freeform, after the war, anyway, but - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:49:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,562</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27599996</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/poe_daaaayyuuuumron8/pseuds/poe_daaaayyuuuumron8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>God, how he hates himself for being so angry. </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <i>He breathes in the cigar deeply, snuffs it out on the railing and sticks it in the ashtray on the table. </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>“It’s cold,” he tells her as he opens the door to get back into the comforting warm of the house. “Come inside.”</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>God, how he hates that he still fucking cares. </i></p><p> </p><p>Or:</p><p>After the war, and facing the undeniable love.</p><p>Or:</p><p>Rex, at his lowest, being built to his highest.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>CT-7567 | Rex/Ahsoka Tano, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>he hates, he loves</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Never took you for a smoker.”</p><p>The voice startles Rex from his serene thinking, and he looks up, glancing to the door even though he doesn’t have to to know who it is. The balcony is cold and dark, and Ahsoka looks unprepared for the harsh wind and chill. Rex doesn’t notice the cold, doesn’t notice the dropping temperature. Her arms are wrapped around herself and her eyes are squinted against the wind. </p><p>Rex looks away, takes a drag, let’s it out. </p><p>“Times change,” he says, his voice gruff. That alone, and her god-forsaken abilities to see his emotions, should be enough to deter her from approaching him even more. </p><p>Instead, she sits down at the table behind him. Rex’s metaphorical hackles rise, and he tries his hardest to not let it show. She probably noticed. He keeps leaning against the railing, looking out at the city and breathing in the smoke from the cigarette. </p><p>“Good to see you back, kid,” he says finally, turning and leaning against the railing with his back. She looks startled at his voice, and it takes her a second to respond. </p><p>“Good to be back. There’s not a lot of home cooked meals and safe beds when you’re tracking down those Separatist Leaders,” she says, an easy grin, that seems fake, on her face. </p><p>There’s that goddamn reason again. The fucking excuse that he has no right to be mad at because all it is, is the fucking truth. </p><p>So why the hell is it so infuriating? </p><p>(She left. She just fucking left. He had so little people still alive, and she left, without so much as a goodbye. Not even the first time she left. He had forgiven her for that the moment he heard about it. But this, this mission, this assignment that had taken two years, she left and didn’t even tell him. Didn’t say goodbye. But he has no right to be mad at that.)</p><p>“Yeah, wouldn’t think so,” he says, only barely remembering to respond. Something in his voice must be wrong, because she deflates, and he curses himself internally, but really can’t bring himself to feel bad. He hates himself. </p><p>God, how he hates himself for being so angry. </p><p>He breathes in the cigar deeply, snuffs it out on the railing and sticks it in the ashtray on the table. </p><p>“It’s cold,” he tells her as he opens the door to get back into the comforting warm of the house. “Come inside.”</p><p>God, how he hates that he still fucking cares. </p><p>She hesitates, nods, and heads inside, offering him a tight smile as he holds the door open for her. </p><p>The inside of the Skywalker’s home, quiet now that the twins have gone to bed, is warm, and smells like citrus and pine and the heater running hot, and all things <i>home</i> in a way that Rex has never known. </p><p>Anakin and Padmé are talking, but in Rex’s ears, it’s so desperately muffled, like a layer of cotton over his ears and he is trying so, so hard to look at anything but her, who smiles and laughs, and looks so completely beautiful, happy, and he thinks that she has no right to be that happy when he is not. </p><p>God, how he hates himself. </p><p>Why shouldn’t she be happy?</p><p>Why did he have to be such a goddamn mess? </p><p><i>God</i>, how he loves her. </p><p>-</p><p>“C’mon, Rex ol’ boy, what’s got you so down?” Cody teases him, a month later. </p><p>He shoots his brother a look, taking his drink and knocking it back, before offering him a salute with the empty glass. He turns and walks out of the bar.</p><p>Outside is cold- no- <i>freezing.</i> He leans against the stone wall, and thinks of her, dancing in a summer dress too many years ago. </p><p>He throws up in an alleyway, halfway home. </p><p>-</p><p>“What do you mean?” she asks him, smiling, confused with the man in front of him. </p><p>He smiles, he can’t help but to smile, even as much as he hates himself, and her. </p><p>“I mean, it’s like something sweet, and citrusy, like swallowing flowers whole,” he says, staring at her, just the slightest. </p><p>“How do you contribute scents and tastes to feelings?” she laughs, almost awe-like. </p><p>“How do you use that Force ability of yours? It’s just something that happens. You feel like a summer day, and flowers, and I don’t know how else to explain it,” he tells her, unsure of how they got onto this topic, unsure how to get off of it. </p><p>-</p><p>“You can’t love me if you don’t love yourself first,” she whispers, her voice thick. </p><p>“Bullshit.”</p><p>She looks up. </p><p>“I've never loved myself. You know that.” His breath stutters and he looks deep into her eyes. “But you?” </p><p>She inhales deeply. </p><p>“I’ve loved you more than life itself.” </p><p>-</p><p>She kisses him first, such a grounding brush of lips, that has him melting into her, chasing that feeling of such static electricity, it hurts to let go when she pulls away. </p><p>Her eyes are sad, as they always seem to be when she looks at him. “Get clean, Rex. FIx yourself. Please, just take care of yourself.” </p><p>She leaves.</p><p>-</p><p>Two months. </p><p>“Got a cigarette?” she asks, coming out on the balcony, looking worn down. </p><p>“No,” he replies simply. “Gum?”</p><p>She blink at him. “You don’t have a cigarette?” </p><p>He shrugs, nonchalant. “You said get clean.” His smile is tight, as he drops a package of gum on the table, and heads back inside. </p><p>-</p><p>“What?” she asks lamely. Even she knows it lame.</p><p>He smiles. He seems happier. “I said, last week was probably the first time in a long-ass time, that I have felt completely.. <i>good</i>.” He shrugs. “I’m saying that I think…” he hesitates. “I think this whole <i>living</i> thing is getting easier. Better.” He shrugs one more time, a secret sort of smile that she doesn’t remember ever seeing before. “Just wanted you to know.” </p><p>-</p><p>“The hell do you mean you don’t smoke anymore?” Anakin asks him, an arm slung over her shoulders as he talks to his former Captain. </p><p>Rex shrugs, smiling, no, grinning. “Four months, man, we had this conversation last time we went out!”</p><p>Anakin hesitates, laughs. “Did we?” </p><p>“You were just too drunk to remember.”</p><p>Anakin laughs, hitting him with his napkin. </p><p>-</p><p>He trains every day now, sometimes twice, three times in a day. Boxing, mostly, a lot of running, and <i>Meshgeroya</i> on the weekends with a group of his brothers, Cody included. His life has turned around, in the best ways possible. But one thing is missing.</p><p>Her.</p><p>He doesn’t know what to say, even as he makes his way to her apartment building. He thinks about chickening out and stopping for some food instead, but he’s done that two times already.</p><p>Third time’s a charm.</p><p>“Hi,” he starts when she opens the door.</p><p>-</p><p>They have their first fight over something stupid, and suddenly its like Rex is back to 7 months ago, where the only sane thing to do (its not fucking sane, goddamnnit, don’t you dare fucking do it) is to grab a pack of cigarette’s and chain smoke until today bleeds into tomorrow. </p><p>“Hey, it’s our first fight as a couple,” he blurts out, as she’s in the middle of glaring him into oblivion. </p><p>Her gaze softens, just the slightest. </p><p>His hands are shaking, he notices, and he curses himself.</p><p>“Yeah,” she murmurs, and is suddenly standing next to him. She wraps her arms around his waist, and kisses his cheek, hugging him oh-so dearly, and he is so unspeakably grateful for her.</p><p>-</p><p>He asks her to marry her on a whim, as they're in the middle of cliff diving on Naboo. It’s night, and usually he would hate night swimming, but the bioluminescent aquatic plant life makes it easier, even if he still hates it. It’s freezing, and they're both shivering as they prepare to jump. </p><p>“Marry me,” he says, her in his arms. She pulls back and looks at him.</p><p>Rex grins, and jumps. She shrieks as he pulls her with him, and when they surface, he’s laughing. </p><p>“Marry you?” she repeats, grabbing his hand as he pulls her out of the water.</p><p>“Not now,” he grins, kissing her cheek, and pulling her towards the incline again. “Just someday!”</p><p>“Someday,” she whispers.</p><p>-</p><p>They get married with as much family they can smuggle into the Jedi Temple. The Room of a Thousand Fountains is <i>giant</i>, and they had to plan so much just to get into the spot. </p><p>Master Plo Koon officiates. Anakin and Obi-Wan give her away. Rex tries not to cry at the sight of her. Padmé is her Maid of Honor. Cody is Rex’s Best Man. Leia is the Flower Girl, Luke- the Ring Bearer. That is about everyone who is invited.</p><p>(Yoda wanders in half way through, making a dramatic entrance right when Master Plo asks if anyone has an objection for them to get married. The Grandmaster merely picks a nice chair, and plops down, hitting Plo in the shins with his glimer stick on his way, telling him to finish up.</p><p>Rex nearly has a heart attack at that.)</p><p>From then on, he is Rex Tano, and she is his wife, which is such a beautiful thing to be able to say.</p><p><i>God</i>, how he loves her</p>
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